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Sunday, December 11, 2011

Adventures in Williamsburg



Hello world! Don't you look just lovely today.

So Word On The Street says I'm at college. I'm not one hundred percent on where Word On the Street gets its info, but I'm actually just in a magical place sharing a house with lots of people and going to the same three self-serve restaurants for every meal and letting older people tell me things and reading books and going on quests and climbing on roofs and things and writing papers in which I always, for some reason unbeknownst to me, argue against an omnipresent imaginary cynic.

So get it right, Word On The Street. College is for chumps. And I am certifiably unchump.

This magical writereadabsorbeatsleepdiscusss place is in the mysterious, unexplored land of Virginia. And I'm saying that not only because this is my personal introduction to Virginia but also because I'm in Colonial Williamsburg and sometimes I get confused about what century it is.

Perhaps, before continuing, I should describe the cast of characters who live in my large house with an abnormal number of tiny rooms.

1) Audrey, the girl whose bed is in my room. She likes horses. Sometimes in her sleep she turns into one. Don't tell anybody.

2)Lindsey. If Lindsey wrote an autobiography, it would be on graph paper. But if you can distract her from her studies you find that she is quite bouncy and probably will be the next Iron Chef.

3)Crystal, who has one of the nicest voices I've ever heard and is so fashionable that she has more heels than any other type of shoe. In fact, I'm not sure if she owns any shoes that are not heels. She loves sugar, which makes sense cause she's a total sweetie. Also, she can kill you with a fan. Watch the fuck out.

4) Leonymae.
Coolest name ever? Check.
Kickass attitude? Check.
Love for pink fluffy cute things which completely contradicts her kickass attitude?? Check.
Don't even worry about it. Tiny Leonymae has so much awesome in her, I don't know where she keeps it. Probably in her ridiculous supermodel hair.

5) Catherine--the insane one.Don't let the bows she wears in her hair religiously  fool you. She is not cutesy innocent. She is CRAZY. Skwak-like-a-bird-crazy. Act-drunk-when-you-don't-ever-drink-crazy. We can pretend it's endearing for the sake of this blog. I fear her wrath.

6) Jenna, who lives on the foreign second floor, is one of those people who is so talented that a role on Glee would suit her if she were a little less sane, though she seems to be in the process of slowly going crazy. Swears have been peppering her normally-pristine speech like hiccups as of late, not to mention her episodic maniacal laughter. Next stage: Glee.

7) Molly, the dashing one. I like to pretend that I'm a good friend to her but somehow I end up insulting her every other sentence. I think I told her to go die once.

8) The bajillion other people in this house that for some really rather disturbing reason I DO NOT KNOW WELL ENOUGH. Really. We live together. How does this even happen?!?!

9) Bernardo. He is a mouse. He is rotting from the inside. Any questions? Good. Moving on.

In this mysterious land I've discovered that my S.A.A.D. is becoming more and more problematic. I've started baking cookies and going to Jo-Ann fabrics, which (with the addition of a cute little frilly apron and orthopedic shoes) would put my age at around 83. But yesterday I went and saw Santa. He didn't ask what I wanted for Christmas. Santa, that hurts. You know what I wanted for christmas? For christmas, I wanted Santa to fucking care about me. Bitch.

So that makes me a cussing 2 year old and 83 year old. But the fact that I just used the word 'cuss' instead of 'swear' probably puts me back in Victorian times again, so the whole scale is just completely off and I need to go lie down for a minute because I'm not sure if it's 1711 or 2011 again. Uhg. I'll keep you posted.

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