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Sunday, December 25, 2011

Letters to Alex

Dear Alex and the World,

World, you are everywhere, and don't worry, Alex is somewhere within that everywhere. Alex, though, you're in Switzerland, and it is WAY too far away from me. Google maps can't even find directions from me to you, cause guess what? There's a freaking OCEAN in the way. Disgusting. Theoretically we could both row halfway but that might take a little longer than just waiting to be reunited in January.

The waiting, though, is equally horrendous. I've tried twiddling my thumbs, but I get all confused about which thumb is going in which direction and sometimes they collide and I usually end up just sitting on my hands out of frustration. To cope, I've been dipping my nose shockingly far into books. I'm in the middle of One Hundred Years of Solitude, which, by the way, is particularly beautiful, but I just finished Walden. If my writing strikes you as the least bit snobby or narcissistic, please forward all complaints to Henry David Thoreau, the one man who managed to live a very humble life with, I imagine, a self-satisfied smile larger than the Cheshire Cat's. My writing's getting smugger just thinking about it. Of course, he certainly had some lovely sentences, but the problem was with what was in between them--offensive rants usually about how the rest of society was in the wrong for wanting to do everything from socialize to have ice water. I mostly agree with his message and all, that nature is beautiful, simplicity is grossly underrated, and people cut life's corners for efficiency's sake, but I don't believe I'm the only sane person in the world because of it. Anywhoo, this is probably pretty dull for those of you who don't read 19th century books because you can't stand superfluous words, or even words like superfluous. I understand. Moving along.

Look! A picture!
I don't do pictures.
But guess what I do do?
1. Make lists. Look at me, all organized-like.
2. Try new things, which means
3. Follow through on my New Years Resolution to try new things, which means
4. Follow through on my New Years Resolution to follow through on my New Years Resolutions, which means I
5. Kill two mosquitos with one slap. (I don't do birds, mostly because I don't know what a mockingbird looks like and I'm afraid that if I kill even one bird, let alone two, Atticus Finch will come after me and give me a stern talking to--and as a great admirer of Atticus Finch, being on his bad side would completely destroy my sense of morality.)

Alex, aren't you proud of me? I did so many good things up there. I'd list them, but that'd be redundant because I've already made a list and my writing is brilliant enough to stand on its own. Oh my god. I'm turning into Thoreau.

Okay, I wanted to write a letter to Alex because it's Christmas and she's eons away, so I'm going to do it. But I will keep it short, because I know very little about Switzerland but I don't want her to know that.

Alex, are you eating lots of chocolate?
Alex, are you eating lots of cheese?
Alex, are you speaking lots of languages?
Alex, stop being hit on.
Alex, say hi to Christopher!

That is the end of my letter. Wasn't it insightful? I sound so knowledgable. What a job well done.

By the by, for those of you who don't know Christopher, he is the reason for the universe. Any questions? Good.

Well, Air Force One is on TV, and since I'm a sucker for propaganda, that means it's time for me to sign off. Until next time, you beautiful world. And to all a good night.

Splendidly, Happily, Magnificently Yours,


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